Fatherless Boy to a MAN

So many things
I never wanted you to face
Like the insecurity
that lied within me
Or the fear of failure
Not being able to see
It hurts to feel your pain
I pray to god he leads the way
I know you can be so many things
But I must remember
You’re just a fatherless child
trying to
Find your way
Nd learning how to become a man
in a cold world
People not caring about
You
You feel like
your left out the loop
Trying to do things
the right way
Slipped up a few times
but that’s just learning life the hard way
Stressed out
Looking at the rest
of the world
Like they have it all together
But there are levels to this
seasons change my son
always remember
Your time has come
and things will get better
Seeing clearer
Wanting more
Being a boss
is what’s on your mind
So you follow
then lead
wake up
and grind
With big plans
on your mind
I can see it now
All your dreams
coming true
The Words you speak
Are your truth
With Actions
to show and prove
Moving like
you have something to lose
Learning to communicate
without placing blAme
Priorities in order
You’re all about change
Thinking about
what’s next
Staying focused
Tired of being
second best
In your head
So level #1
is the Level You chose
Forgetting about everyone
that has forgotten about you ….

By Rachel Shundari Ullah

Today belongs to you !!!

Yes ,I know it’s Mothers Day
but I’m going to put a twist
on today .
I believe kids should be recognized
on this day
So as a mother today
I want to thank my kids
for at times dealing with my inconsistent ways
at times I fed you the
germs that lingered
from my childhood
The fear of loss , the fear failure ,
fear being of being left alone
Scared to watch you grow
I want to thank my kids
for always fighting even
when I didn’t share my truth
I want thank my kids for celebrating me on a day that really belongs to you
I’m just doing
what real mothers do
Taking care of your heart
and protecting soul
Never letting go
And putting you before me
As all mothers should do .
So today I want thank my kids
for dealing with all my shit
and Challenging me to
always to become
a better me
I want to thank my kids
For never giving in
And continuing to fight
When things didn’t go
as planned
This day belongs to you
after all the things I subconsciously put you through … Thank you for all you do and never forget , I love you …Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah

I rather a man

Hey you with your pants hanging so low
You couldn’t tell if life is moving fast or slow
Cause your stuck in your ways
You even stop praying for change
You let the streets dictate your ways
And you hope your words make a way
you treat your Queen like
She doesn’t deserve to be heard
After she serve your food and cleans the house
Take care of the kids
And helps your family out
You get mad when she takes care of herself or ask for help
You left her alone in more ways than one
Emotionally , physically and spiritually she’s sick
Because she’s loving a man
That won’t help her with shit
God forbid you help
with the kids or
Lift a finger or clean a dish
She’s all over all the love you give behind four walls
After all she does
Don’t you think She deserves more
Then what your body does
And if you don’t no worries time will show her the way
And the love you give will no
Longer ease her pain . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah

I have a purpose …

Where did my peace go ,
I want it back
the energy I gave , I want it back , no longer can I save the day .
I want my peace back . I don’t have all the answers and I make mistakes .
I have faith in God in all that I do that’s my secret .
I need to be around positive things can’t you see that .
I’m tired of watching everyone sink ,
I need to get away and isolate myself from selfish ways and people who claim they know me so well .
I want my peace back .
Let me cry alone and get stronger than before .
You can’t stop my heart from beating but I have to stop myself from getting cheated from what I deserve
and I deserve to be heard and respected .
How you live your life is your choice
your pain is yours my pain is mine .
But I can’t sit back and be a product of your environment anymore .
This love inside of me doesn’t deserve to be ignored or taking for granted or forgotten or hurt .
I deserve to live I deserve to feel alive .
I don’t want to let one day pass me by.
I took advantage of life before
I can no longer do that anymore .
I want my peace back ,
I want to smell the food cooking in the kitchen
I want to see the smiles on my kids face
I want them to never again feel like they’ve been replaced .
If you don’t want to give me my peace
I’ll take it a run
so don’t push me in a corner after all I’ve done .
I told you before
how I did things
trust me this isn’t going to be fun .
So don’t call my bluff just trust my words and please let me go about my life and become a woman who tells her truth and teaches young girls, young boys , woman and men . What they go through, isn’t the end !!!! Original Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

keeping it real …

I moved so many times thinking I was running away from certain situations and although the situations I was running from were not healthy I had to realize neither was I .
I was hurt and confused the things I dealt with as a child followed me .
Being neglected and forgotten hurt me but it felt familiar so I accepted it .
Being hit and spoken to a certain way hurt but I remembered those feelings , so I felt at home .
Being touched by a man who didn’t love me but lusted me felt comfortable . The weed burning in the room as my kids slept seemed ok because they were not aware .
But the truth was I felt safe because I was “home “.
The home I knew since I was a little girl . The only home I knew .
The aroma of food cooking in the day and the hate of self at night .
How could I balance such a life , but I did .
Because I had no choice . I had two children that expected nothing from me and accepted everything .
It was unfair to subconsciously do exactly what I was taught .
Not realizing down the line it would affect my kids .
I now understand living like a gypsy instilled fear in my children a sense of loss , not being able to get close to anyone , never truly knowing who they were because as their mother conformed to so many lifestyles as they followed my lead . And they ended up as confused as I .
Although not planned,
it was inevitable .
My children both graduated High School on time I thank god for that because the things they dealt with would have gave me every excuse not to do well .
My words meant well but my actions and the men I choose contradicted everything I claim to stand for . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I have to fight for me …

All alone I feel is their anyone that would ever keep it real and care about me and all things I think about and how I see . Will anyone ever be there to take care of me and my kids treat them the way I do . Will anyone ever take the time to know my heart from the very start and I see all that I do… my point is misunderstood
Maybe I would stop crying
If you heard what I had to say
I can’t do this any more
I just want to run away
My heart is broken
I’m so tired of fighting
When will you fight for me
I can’t do this anymore
I have to leave
My life matters . obviously more than you think of me .
I can’t stick around waiting for you understand me
I have to leave and do what’s best for me
I’m learning to love all of me
I’m learning to see a lot more clearly
I need more than what you give to me
If you’re not willing to fight
I guess I’ll have to fight for me .
I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore
How long did you expect this from me .
My love is real
I can no longer give you all of me …
I deserve to lie in the arms of a man
That deserves me
I’m so much more than what the world sees in me .
I’m sorry I have to go , I have to do this for me…. Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
.

What more can I say ….

Time for you to see the real me not all you wanted me to be .
I’m a woman who stands her ground while she wears her crown ,
step up or step down .
I hope you don’t think I’m going to always be around
waiting on you to change your moods or think about all that I do .
Thinking it’s all about you , what about me don’t you think I deserve love to .
Forget about you for a minute stop and listen to the rhythm in my heart what it beats for is clearly different . How can you say you’re in love when you clearly don’t understand my unique ways .
Am I to passive with things I say or would you rather me in your face screaming to get my point across
or would do you want me to belittle and degrade you by yelling and screaming you need to change ,
I’m not going to take it to that level nor dance with the devil . Maybe I’m to healthy for you
maybe you’re not ready for the truth maybe you need to feel alive so you need to feel pain in order to remember you’re still breathing …
I wanted to be your breath of fresh air but I’m clearly feeling like I’m here for a reason or maybe a season prayed for a lifetime but not the way you have me feeling .
So step up or step down what do you want to do step up or step down it’s all on you …
You have me feeling like a fool living without a clue
when it comes to you remembering all the things you said
adding the shit up in my head . So now I realize your words are true
but your heart was broken before so you don’t really know how to go about my truth .
So you take a different route as I continue to do without not knowing if your going to figure this out .
So you keep your guard and hold your ground and hope that no one ever sticks around ..
but what about love what about life what about time that’s passing u by . I can’t tell you any lies this is something I can’t disguise … may be I’m wrong for what I say
and if I am I won’t stand in your way
I just want you to understand what I feel cause my feelings are nothing less than real . So take the time and read this slow and maybe you’ll find out something you didn’t know … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Dear Son

1 + 1 never equals 3 If shit don’t add up expect me to speak …You created the monster in me and expect me to not feel all the things you’ve shown me . You constantly lied , cheated and manipulated me by telling me what I wanted to hear , how do you expect me expect me to leave you alone and forget all you’ve done while you had your fun playing with my mind while taking you your time to handle your business and think I wasn’t going to call you out when I caught you slipping , all the promises you made , and you wonder why I be flipping . how do I go about my day peacefully when you took all you had to give . My spirit my smile all for fun not thinking about me and all I’ve done . I’ve sat back and wondered where I went wrong then I realized it had to do with me And men I choose for you to see . The ones that never took the time to show you right from wrong . The ones that words were never true The ones that taught you their pain … Like not acknowledging you or taking the time to teach you how to be a man , probably thought nothing’s different so I’ll continue slipping …as I continue to fight , the more angry you got I guess you thought how do you want me to be all that he’s not . And expect me to be a man I never seen . I was as lost So I choose all I knew and that was being abused …mentally taunted and spiritually tainted I wish life was as beautiful as the one I painted for the world to see but you knew the real me , fighting to survive, crying to be understood, hurting so bad , hiding the truth . But through all that I held on to you , I didn’t Give up I fought for what I believe and prayed to God that he lead me not into temptation and continue to deliver me from evil while I did best to build you up and broke you down knowing another man has let you down . This is not what I planned but I exactly what I needed to understand your ways and the things I never let you say . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©