keeping it real …

I moved so many times thinking I was running away from certain situations and although the situations I was running from were not healthy I had to realize neither was I .
I was hurt and confused the things I dealt with as a child followed me .
Being neglected and forgotten hurt me but it felt familiar so I accepted it .
Being hit and spoken to a certain way hurt but I remembered those feelings , so I felt at home .
Being touched by a man who didn’t love me but lusted me felt comfortable . The weed burning in the room as my kids slept seemed ok because they were not aware .
But the truth was I felt safe because I was “home “.
The home I knew since I was a little girl . The only home I knew .
The aroma of food cooking in the day and the hate of self at night .
How could I balance such a life , but I did .
Because I had no choice . I had two children that expected nothing from me and accepted everything .
It was unfair to subconsciously do exactly what I was taught .
Not realizing down the line it would affect my kids .
I now understand living like a gypsy instilled fear in my children a sense of loss , not being able to get close to anyone , never truly knowing who they were because as their mother conformed to so many lifestyles as they followed my lead . And they ended up as confused as I .
Although not planned,
it was inevitable .
My children both graduated High School on time I thank god for that because the things they dealt with would have gave me every excuse not to do well .
My words meant well but my actions and the men I choose contradicted everything I claim to stand for . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

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Rachel Shundari ullah

I am a strong woman / mother that has been on my own since 14 years old without the proper guidance or structure. I am currently a volunteer for true2life . I have a purpose deeper then just me , I am the founder and president of my non profit organization named Its Beneath The Surface ( I am U ) . Our mission is to create a universal support system for our youth , teenagers , parents ,and adults of all ages that deal with everyday adversities .