Alone by choice …

I remember sitting alone
I remember the phone ringing
I remember not picking up
I remember crying alone
I remember dying inside
I remember praying to God
That he cleanses my eyes
Now I see clear , God please tell me this isn’t happening again
I did all I could I do but my heart is trapped
I can’t get away from my past how long will this pain last .
The abuse the hurt all these feelings I’m scared ,looking around and no one is there .the phone is ringing and I’m not picking up , I’m all alone life isn’t fair . I can’t believe no body cares , The phone stops ringing …I should have picked up . Original by Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

4 years ago !!

image What I’ve learned about myself is that I run from my problems nd i
hate confrontation either i flee from them or i allow my anger to
consume me with pride ..Id rather deal with forced consequences then
deal things head on because I still have no self control at 34
I have very little tolerance for negative people in my life i
guess For that reason ..yet I made a poor choice that resulted in
nothing but negative attention nd I choose to flee once confrontation
occurred nd when I felt my character is being challenged nd I am
provoked or antagonized pride takes over …I still have so much to
learn …..I still have so much to
learn …..please pray for me

Have a little faith …

Imagine being confused
imagine loving a man who loved drugs over you
imagine going to jail pregnant for something you didn’t do
imagine having kids and no place to live
imagine coming home to that kind of shit .
Imagine living with your friend cause that’s the only one that cares
imagine showing your body while everybody stares
imagine lying and manipulating people because you felt like you paid your dues
Imagine having no one to understand your pain
so instead you live in vain
imagine searching for love but hating yourself
imagine figuring things out as you continue to wilt .
imagine smiling everyday and not crying about life
imagine waking up having faith believing everything will be alright
imagine God on your side as everyone laughs
imagine God taking you to the level all thought you couldn’t surpass …
imagine reminding yourself your worth more than rubies and gold
imagine waking up alone .
Imagine learning to live all over again
imagine believing in God and doing your best not to sin .
Imagine crying alone with thoughts of death
imagine putting your faith to the test .
Imagine fighting so hard no one understand
imagine not caring if it’s not in gods plan . Imagine waking up with new sense of life
imagine eliminating anything that doesn’t feel right .
Imagine loving so hard and not giving up imagine time on your side wonder if that would help .
Imagine glowing so bright cause you continue to fight imagine never giving up on what feels right .
Imagine living alone and raising a man And teaching your daughter things you don’t even understand …
Imagine knowing yourself and what’s good for you
. loving your truth and all that you do
imagine realizing their will never be another you
imagine not caring who believes if your words are the truth
imagine leaving it in gods hands after all you been through
imagine letting go of any negative thoughts imagine waking up stronger than you thought . Imagine learning to love everything about yourself Imagine not being scared to ask for help
imagine controlling your emotions even when you want to cry imagine learning more about yourself every single night imagine not being ashamed to tell you the world you pray
imagine God finally taking all the pain away ! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I believe ….

Spoken word you can call this I rather Rachel with a little twist ,
see the way I do things is never the same I’m a lot different I do nothing in vain .
All I want is to change the game and remind the world of a humans pain .
Things that taunted you in life don’t just disappear over night this something you have to fight .
Lions tiger and bears oh my I’m not scared
it’s the snake the serpent the feen that scares me and makes me cringe at the thought this journey .
Remembering that empty feeling when life had no meaning
fighting to be heard understood and remembered
no matter what life thrown at me I couldn’t surrender . I had to fight to bring back the life that’s was missing in my life
and heart along with being prepared to get my heart torn apart .
It’s process I was able feel because if I give any less of myself it wasn’t real .
I’ve been scared , battered , bruised ,used , mistreated but I do my best to never feel defeated .
I believe we all hide our pain in different ways whether we drink too much to forget, smoke to focus , take a pill to stay still , smell that white to feel alive , shoot that dope to Cope , over eat to sleep , overwork to feel accomplished , exercise too much to not feel the shame ,sleep around to be remembered , shop till we drop and pretend we have no pain or maybe just pray our life away . no matter what it is you do
do your best and god will see you through !!!!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I forgive you , I forgive me ….

Confused about life
confused about love
even confused about the man from up above
How can you value life when life never valued you .
learning to love was the hardest thing to do
coming from a place that wasn’t average along with being so passive
finding out all the things
never knowing my mother past or
why my father had to pass .
Hurting on all levels so I singe my skin
hoping someone will look a little harder deeper then all my sins .
Notice me please I just need to be seen
please mommy don’t forget about me ,
I’m just a little girl
trying to find her way
so you take me by my hand and now we are on our way
never did I expect to be replaced
one of the hardest things I had to face
.I became bitter sad but true
I hated you so much I didn’t know what do .
As time went on I realized we were so alike but different in hindsight .
Now that I have my kids and I clearly understand what it is you initially planned .
Unfortunately the drug took over your heart
and you and all your kids had to part .
I don’t blame for all you did you were deprived as a kid .
Deprived of love and peace in the heart
so many raped you from the very start .
So now I stand tall and understand your truth and all the things you wanted to do .
So my promise to you and my kids I will be victorious I promise I will win !!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

You said it best !!!

You said it best ,
All is fair in love and war …
you’re the reason I still stand tall .
I watched you fight when I was a kid and never give in .
You taught me how to handle myself in the streets and never allowed me to accept defeat ,
as you handled yourself with class grace
regardless to all things you had to face .
Your strength amazed and so did your mind
it was only a matter of time
that I learn move the way you did .
You smiled when you hurt and laughed when you cried
so no matter what no one ever knew you were dying inside . You loved genuinely
even though you fought through the truth
and let no one know how all your demons had a hold of you .
But I can relate cause that’s fight I had to face
and I had to learn to survive no matter what was killing me inside .
But when I think back to when I was kid
I remember a mom that never gave in . I salute you and your heart and the fight fought even though our time was cut short . Just know your love was more than enough
to make me never want to give up !!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

It was me ….

Driving without a destination
Running out of gas
Loosing all control
When will the pain pass
I’m tired of fighting
the devils in Btwn
Loosing my sense
Loosing my faith
I can’t breathe
Why won’t you stop me
I’m dying inside
The devil is chasing me
I can’t breathe
There’s no one to help me
As crazy as it seems
The devil is chasing me I can’t breathe
Stop for a minute and think about me
I never wanted to be this person
I can’t breathe
I’m loosing my air and crying out loud the devil is chasing me I can’t breathe
Lord please take this pain away I can’t breathe the devil is chasing until I realized it was me … Original by Rachel Shundari Ullah © / Earth Mecca

Game over

All Queens rise ….why do we sometimes
hide behind eyes that see clear
with a heart full of hope
praying for someone to get who we are and what we stand for .
Queens its ok to put your foot down and demand respect
its ok to stop bouncing to music that insults your
character it’s ok hold our ground and never submit to something that does not feed your spirit . Do we even know we are queens or are we to busy trying to be a “bad bitches ” living up to the expectation of what so called men are looking for . So we water our heart down and follow along with all that we are not .
Why are you we so scared to lose someone who doesn’t value or understand what our heart beats for .
Let us Queens understand even in chess we move how we choose and assist the king in his victory they need us … Know your position … We can change the game … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Thug verse man

There’s a difference between being a thug and a man …
a thug can’t see and a Man has clarity
and knows what steps to take next
a thug is a mess you know dude that walks with a frown and acts like clown when your kids around
the dude that has no problem fighting in the streets
while the neighbor cries for peace . A dude that takes none of your pain away
or will beat you and think it’s ok … a dude that will listen to nothing you say
a dude that pants hang
so low and dude that goes with the flow you know a thug ain’t no leader he’s a liar , Cheater , skeemer
he’ll say anything to keep ya . He won’t lie about his past and his demeanor can’t deceive ya ,
it’s your choice what you see is what you get
but don’t get mad down the line
when he beats your ass and laughs while you cry .
Set your standards higher than what you think you deserve , dig a little deeper further then what the streets can teach you …. Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

All Kings Rise

Oh king where are you ?
Did your mother forget to place the crown on your head
or did your father run away with it .
I’m sorry you hurt so bad please come back to me !
I hate to see lost faith .
The pain in your eyes is evident and the hurt that you feel is obvious .
How do you know you’re a king if you were never taught to reign ,
you are lost and living in despair crying out for guidance
and not understanding life as it happens .
Men please stand up and set standards for these young men
for they have no protegé but music ,
television and the lack of respect they get treated with daily
by woman who have been hurt so they now choose to emasculate our boys and young men instead of building them up . “Rise all kings for our generation of princes are lost !!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©