I have a purpose …

Where did my peace go ,
I want it back
the energy I gave , I want it back , no longer can I save the day .
I want my peace back . I don’t have all the answers and I make mistakes .
I have faith in God in all that I do that’s my secret .
I need to be around positive things can’t you see that .
I’m tired of watching everyone sink ,
I need to get away and isolate myself from selfish ways and people who claim they know me so well .
I want my peace back .
Let me cry alone and get stronger than before .
You can’t stop my heart from beating but I have to stop myself from getting cheated from what I deserve
and I deserve to be heard and respected .
How you live your life is your choice
your pain is yours my pain is mine .
But I can’t sit back and be a product of your environment anymore .
This love inside of me doesn’t deserve to be ignored or taking for granted or forgotten or hurt .
I deserve to live I deserve to feel alive .
I don’t want to let one day pass me by.
I took advantage of life before
I can no longer do that anymore .
I want my peace back ,
I want to smell the food cooking in the kitchen
I want to see the smiles on my kids face
I want them to never again feel like they’ve been replaced .
If you don’t want to give me my peace
I’ll take it a run
so don’t push me in a corner after all I’ve done .
I told you before
how I did things
trust me this isn’t going to be fun .
So don’t call my bluff just trust my words and please let me go about my life and become a woman who tells her truth and teaches young girls, young boys , woman and men . What they go through, isn’t the end !!!! Original Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

The devil is a liar !!!

Have you ever sat back a listened to your phone ring for hours
with hopes that it would stop ringing because the shame you felt was so indescribable and you needed help ,
have you ever cried all night looking at your phone hoping it will ring because you needed help .
It’s funny how depression plays tricks on you .
You think the ones you love are for you and the ones that want to be around you are against you .
What I realized was the ones I wanted be around didn’t know the real me
so I was able to front like I had it all together
meanwhile I was falling apart .
The ones that new me , really knew me and seen the mess I was so I didn’t want that reality check so I pushed it away .
I didn’t want the truth to shine because after all this time you think I would have had my shit in line .
Depression is the devil in itself .
It takes your joy away and replenish your pain .
You can’t see the bigger because your mind is cluttered with the things that happened to you or what you did others .
So you can’t see beyond guilt so you overcompensate with hopes that the next person will see something in you that you truly don’t even see in yourself
or you choose to be around people who need exactly what you need help .
Someone you can relate to because you don’t want to face the mirror or change your ways
and it’s easier to stay the same .
What I realized was the hardest battle I fought was fighting myself looking in the mirror and changing everything that I had to change within myself
so I could be a better mother and woman .
I needed to stop looking for validation from the world
I needed to stop clinging on to the things that hurt me in the past
I had to see beyond the pain and fight harder than I ever fought .
I needed to stop making excuses and telling lies .
I had to finally face all my demons head on ….
I finally sleep through the night , I’m at peace . My demons no longer suffocate me or pull on me in my sleep my demons are dead cause I killed them the day I faced them !!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

keeping it real …

I moved so many times thinking I was running away from certain situations and although the situations I was running from were not healthy I had to realize neither was I .
I was hurt and confused the things I dealt with as a child followed me .
Being neglected and forgotten hurt me but it felt familiar so I accepted it .
Being hit and spoken to a certain way hurt but I remembered those feelings , so I felt at home .
Being touched by a man who didn’t love me but lusted me felt comfortable . The weed burning in the room as my kids slept seemed ok because they were not aware .
But the truth was I felt safe because I was “home “.
The home I knew since I was a little girl . The only home I knew .
The aroma of food cooking in the day and the hate of self at night .
How could I balance such a life , but I did .
Because I had no choice . I had two children that expected nothing from me and accepted everything .
It was unfair to subconsciously do exactly what I was taught .
Not realizing down the line it would affect my kids .
I now understand living like a gypsy instilled fear in my children a sense of loss , not being able to get close to anyone , never truly knowing who they were because as their mother conformed to so many lifestyles as they followed my lead . And they ended up as confused as I .
Although not planned,
it was inevitable .
My children both graduated High School on time I thank god for that because the things they dealt with would have gave me every excuse not to do well .
My words meant well but my actions and the men I choose contradicted everything I claim to stand for . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©