Baby I deserve !!!

The good in me outweighs the bad
The transition in me is probably hard to believe .
I know there’s more test to come but that’s ok cause armor of God is on .
So you can’t stand in my way
nor will I be a slave to your tainted and jaded ways .
So I wake up and I pray and hope God only takes the place of the Devils place .
I deserve love
I deserve someone
who never gives up .
I deserve someone who sits under a tree with me
Or kisses me on my forehead
After a long day
I deserve a man who trust my words
And is not threatened by my friends
I deserve a man who loves my kids just like his
I deserve a man who loves God first and is not afraid to tell the world
I deserve a man who doesn’t get high
And a man who doesn’t add to my pain
I deserve a man who understands the things I love to do
I deserve a man who goes out his way
A man who takes his time
A man who’s mAn enough to take the lead
A man who teaches me something new
And shows me things ,
I never seen
A man who’s not stuck in his way
And is open to trying new things
A man who Has class that Rarely curses
A man who is a real man a hard-working man that values .
Life and his family above all
A man that will man up if ever I fall …
Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

It starts with us …

Queen ,
Why must you
raise your
how beautiful you are
But how ignorant
you sound
Using the words
like nigga and bitch
I wonder if you teach your
kids that kind of language
And teach them
That’s the way
and address a man
What’s wrong
with you carrying yourself
With class and respect
Why do you sound like
Like a woman
that has no sense
It takes a lot for a woman
to be respected as it is
A real woman would
never call her man a bitch or nigga

Or refer to her man like
He ‘s still chained within .
It’s unfortunate that the
You can’t see the bigger picture
That because you’re to busy painting a phony one of what a real woman looks like

How do you expect respect
when you can’t even see
or refrain
from using a word
that was ignorantly
taught to he .
What’s so hard
about articulating
Yourself well
and letting your vocabulary
speak for itself
Instead of wondering
why some men
treat you the same .
Because you sound the same
So they can’t tell you apart .
So they decide to refer to you as the same
Do you understand the messages you’re sending
To our men
By owning those names
Exactly what the oppressor wants , oppressed and stuck in our ways . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I was fragile …

My love is not easily giving away
So please don’t take advantage
Of my heart
I hear your words but your
Actions remain the same
Never thinking about me
And always walking away
How can you expect me not change
All the things you did
The jealousy the rage
That I remember from when I was younger
I did my best
But you kept putting
My heart to the test
By disregarding the pain in
My chest
How I hated drugs
And how I hated to fight
But things just got worse
Every time I tried
You never thought about me
And how I felt about things
I couldn’t even wear my old jewelry
And God forbid my friends wanted to get a bite to eat
That was the end of the world
Like I was going out to cheat
Mean while I was coming home to you
And you knew that was the truth
I got so tired of the shit …
And all the things you put me through
I cleaned , cooked , worked
I even smoked just to
Please you
And when I didn’t do that
I encouraged us both to grow
But you just didn’t want
to let go
Of your hurt and pain
And all the things
You felt as a kid
I even tried to reconcile your relationships that were ruined
since you were a kid .
I felt your pain
I just wished you
Felt mine
Only if you realize I did my best while you didn’t try
I fought for my son you
Thought that shit was a joke
And when special days came
you could careless about those days
I had to figure it out
And I did my best to save the day
I felt like I was never enough
No matter what I did
Not one day did I feel appreciated
So now your mad cause my heart
Faded away but what did you add to the table but heartache and pain . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Soul searching are you ?

I’ll look through your eyes straight into your soul
and call you out on your shit
In my own way
So if please if you think you can destroy me
Think again

I’m stronger than you thought
Clearly now you see
devil doesn’t have
anything on me
I’ll beat the odds cause
God truly knows my heart
That’s the reason I’ll never stop
I made mistakes that’s definitely true
You thought your energy would get the better of me
Shame on you
I told you there’s only1ofme
A mother at heart a warrior by design
This journey I’m on is definitely super naturally designed
Designed for the world to see The real me
After I conquered all the demons in me
Finished with Shame , depression , anger , pride and pain thoughts of death
And losing Myself to anyone ..
There are levels to this
And I can no longer just accept the pain in Anyones chest
You can put me to the test
Not the smartest idea
I rather you trust my words
Or you will be faced with a very sad reality
Easy to see but hard to reach
Having full control over me
My body and my mind is mine
Not yours for just a good time
My past is gone
It no longer belongs to me
so if you really want to get to know me
you better look deeper then my body

So listen to my words and the things I say
this isn’t a game
and if your the devil ill see straight through your window pain … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I thank GOD

I wake up alone
Thinking about what’s next
Then I think about
The pain I use to feel in my chest
So I thank god that he protected
Me from the start
Even though life happened
And I had to past many test
Repeated cycles
No where to turn
When will I learn my lesson
Life doesn’t seem fun
There’s so much more I deserve
I think to myself
Then God says “look at what you have
Your health your , kids , a job your life
I can’t bless you
if you can’t
Even see the blessing that are before you
Those times you think I ignore
Dig deep and smile despite
The hurt and the emotional abuse You’re use to
You’re no longer living in the past
When will you let the pain pass
Remember nights are longer and days shorter but I never walked away
But let me ask you a question have you took the time to pray
And thank god for all he is
And all your not
With odds stack against you so very high
You deserve soar you deserve fly
But I can’t bless you if you don’t try …” Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Good old 80 proof …

I was abandoned by my father , oh how that pain hurt so bad , I was abandoned by mother oh how that pain made me sad

I tried to have sex at a early age
And kissed every boy I didn’t care if he was older and a lot more mature
Flirting became a lot more fun to me watching men look at me like I was meat
Until I bumped into a few
That took advantage of my mind
So I gave it away freely
And some took it cause they choose me when I was blind to

I didn’t understand what I did
I was only showing them what I was taught as a kid
My life confused them I’m sure
That’s the truth

But how can I hide my truth
Clearly I was living proof
The pain hurt my heart and the truth
I had to hide
Can’t you see my skin is burnt and told many lies
Can’t you see I’m screaming out for you to see
Something bad happened to me
This is not who God intended for me to be

But the devil choose in the beginning
What he thought of me
To give me a reason to give in
And become a whore or an addict
But God didn’t allow me to accept that tactic

every time
I tried something new
He hit me worse than the truth
But the devil found his way to always get
And it was that good old 80 proof

And drinking too much showed me proof
So I took that 80 proof to the
Head as I hated life
Didn’t realize that 80 proof Wanted me dead mentally , physically and spiritually

that 80 proof always gave me the proof of who I didn’t want to be
Cause in the day time I loved my
Kids and family above me original by Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Blue law exposed !!!

Uniformed gangsters knocking at my door
Let me hurry up and answer the door
My kids are sleeping I don’t want them to witness my truth
of me being under the influence
Of the Devils juice
So let me step outside and explain what I have to say
Please get out of my face
Look at my car
I had a few glasses of wine …
You must have been in your Glory after
That line .
So you shove a breathalyzer in mouth
As you continue to scream and shout
These handcuffs are tight can you loosen them up
stop shouting things out

I can do without
the reminder of my past
But I’m sure you already know my name
you’re making me angry
I didn’t crash !!!

I’m sure you can see it in my eyes
Now I can’t see
Past all your lies .
Now my daughters watching her mother sin
I’m sick to my stomach can we just fix this
Don’t take off my cuffs
Take me away
I rather not stay
I don’t care about my earings my chain or my watch
I rather vouch that shit
But the Devils eyes
Won’t respect what I say …
this exactly what you planned from the door .
Now I can’t breathe , what is happening to me I don’t deserve
The pain I’m feeling
I’m not fighting back
but there’s a knee in my back and an elbow to my head
Oh my god
I think they want me dead
Is it cause my name
or you don’t like my skin
or the block I live on
What the hell is happening !!
Original: true story … by Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

Think about that …

You broke my kids heart
, how can I change their heart to get past all your lies
and all the things you did .

I understand you have to survive but when will you take the time and teach your son how to be a real man
or show your daughter true love of a man .
I’m fighting to teach my kids a love I never had myself .
Please I need some help .
When will you think about them who cares about me ,
I’m not even asking you for money .
I’m just asking for you to spend some time , don’t you see

Until I watch you live in vain as I live in pain .
I’m so disgusted by your ways
How can you smile while my kids fight to heard
And me living clueless
cause a love I never learned .
This is driving my heart to a point
Of no return

I told you truth ,
while you told lies
And you enjoyed life
While I was fighting to survive
How can I make this right

This life I’m living isn’t right
So God intervenes and teaches me a love I never seen . Please believe in he ..
original by Rachel Shundari Ullah ©

I get it …

Satan I rebuke you in Jesus name this is one game you shouldn’t of played .
My swords are sharpened and I’m ready for war …
fought from beginning although I made mistakes
Drinking to much , lying , insecurity and conforming
was a problem years ago , but not anymore ,
I won’t open that door .
I choose wrong but never in vain . I just wanted a family and someone to feel me and understand my pain .
I held my pain in for as long new . The Shame made me Lie because I wanted something new . Should I be blamed for caring so much and loving my kids including his and doing by best to hold it together while falling apart .
While the season changed and I learned new things
I seen everything I hated in my heart within me and he but something about this journey God wouldn’t let me part .
I cried so many nights and shed so many tears what exactly brought me to this trying year . Was this planned am I alive for the very first time am I no longer dying inside .
Has God really saved my life !!! Am I no longer living in the dark can I see past all things that use to be me . Am I finally free !!! By Rachel Shundari Ullah

Love over Hate !!!

The evil is felt but my faith is stronger .
I can longer live with life on my shoulders .
My heart hurts
but I don’t feel the pain because the devils thoughts have fade away .
I don’t need anything to get me by
I just want real love one day in my life that follows my change .
The day my faith changed was the day I realized we are all the same .
Sometimes we curse , some times we gossip , sometimes we lie , sometimes we cry , sometimes we stray sometimes we pray sometimes we do things to take the pain away .
But never do we forget heavens face and we do or best to change our ways .
Don’t forget to tell it all
as you preach about making it to heavens door .
I can’t live up to the standards of who you want me to be , I can only be the best me I can be … By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©