I will never again allow myself to become fixated on the things that get me intoxicated ….
Who I am can’t be duplicated only solidified by how I move and the things I say .
Perfect example like not being heard I’m not going to yell scream I’m just going go on my way
and surround myself around the people who get what I say .
I know the things I talk about is deep , deeper the then your mind is probably willing creep .
Deep cause the thoughts I’m not scared to say
so the things that I say make you want run and not face your demons
so rather dance with the devil and hide your pain . Do you really think your pain is going to vanish like the wind that touches your face
or are you that scared of the truth so continue to do what you do .
Like going out every night having fun selling your soul to the devil so you can’t see
now you wonder why you can’t breathe or sleep at peace with life tugging at your mind .
Not having faith that Gods by your side .
Have you ever thought your soul was tainted and being integrated by good and bad
that’s why things don’t go as planned .
Don’t you believe that a devil has a plan to bring you down and keep away and never think of heavens face .
So take another one to the head as long as you feel whole
but really your just really another lost soul … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
I moved so many times thinking I was running away from certain situations and although the situations I was running from were not healthy I had to realize neither was I .
I was hurt and confused the things I dealt with as a child followed me .
Being neglected and forgotten hurt me but it felt familiar so I accepted it .
Being hit and spoken to a certain way hurt but I remembered those feelings , so I felt at home .
Being touched by a man who didn’t love me but lusted me felt comfortable . The weed burning in the room as my kids slept seemed ok because they were not aware .
But the truth was I felt safe because I was “home “.
The home I knew since I was a little girl . The only home I knew .
The aroma of food cooking in the day and the hate of self at night .
How could I balance such a life , but I did .
Because I had no choice . I had two children that expected nothing from me and accepted everything .
It was unfair to subconsciously do exactly what I was taught .
Not realizing down the line it would affect my kids .
I now understand living like a gypsy instilled fear in my children a sense of loss , not being able to get close to anyone , never truly knowing who they were because as their mother conformed to so many lifestyles as they followed my lead . And they ended up as confused as I .
Although not planned,
it was inevitable .
My children both graduated High School on time I thank god for that because the things they dealt with would have gave me every excuse not to do well .
My words meant well but my actions and the men I choose contradicted everything I claim to stand for . Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
Take me to a place where Angels meet and the satan fights back for the love that is giving so freely … misunderstanding my waterfalls so you go harder until your drowning in my unconditional love ….
please don’t misunderstand me I want more than this
can’t you see all the love that I’m putting into this ,
Your confidence must be at an all time high like you can’t be replaced is that reason you don’t try .
You think that there’s no one like you have I placed you on a pedestal that high
so now you feel like your feet are planted on solid ground .
I took the steps to show my love and cried and even told you I didn’t want to give up .
But still you remain the same and don’t change your ways ,
didn’t I express those are things that will make me change and forget about you
but still play by the rules because giving my body away to anyone just won’t do .
So continue to do you and I’ll continue to do me and let’s hope I end up where you want me to be .
I can’t make any promises because I deserve so much more like a man who takes the time and doesn’t forget about me or takes me out and shows me love or reassure me he never wants to give up .
It’s funny the things you do use to hurt
but now I’m stronger than before and I will continue to soar without your support , so don’t turn around and say I changed , Just look at me like , Damn she gave me my space … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
Time for you to see the real me not all you wanted me to be .
I’m a woman who stands her ground while she wears her crown ,
step up or step down .
I hope you don’t think I’m going to always be around
waiting on you to change your moods or think about all that I do .
Thinking it’s all about you , what about me don’t you think I deserve love to .
Forget about you for a minute stop and listen to the rhythm in my heart what it beats for is clearly different . How can you say you’re in love when you clearly don’t understand my unique ways .
Am I to passive with things I say or would you rather me in your face screaming to get my point across
or would do you want me to belittle and degrade you by yelling and screaming you need to change ,
I’m not going to take it to that level nor dance with the devil . Maybe I’m to healthy for you
maybe you’re not ready for the truth maybe you need to feel alive so you need to feel pain in order to remember you’re still breathing …
I wanted to be your breath of fresh air but I’m clearly feeling like I’m here for a reason or maybe a season prayed for a lifetime but not the way you have me feeling .
So step up or step down what do you want to do step up or step down it’s all on you …
You have me feeling like a fool living without a clue
when it comes to you remembering all the things you said
adding the shit up in my head . So now I realize your words are true
but your heart was broken before so you don’t really know how to go about my truth .
So you take a different route as I continue to do without not knowing if your going to figure this out .
So you keep your guard and hold your ground and hope that no one ever sticks around ..
but what about love what about life what about time that’s passing u by . I can’t tell you any lies this is something I can’t disguise … may be I’m wrong for what I say
and if I am I won’t stand in your way
I just want you to understand what I feel cause my feelings are nothing less than real . So take the time and read this slow and maybe you’ll find out something you didn’t know … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
What I’ve learned about myself is that I run from my problems nd i
hate confrontation either i flee from them or i allow my anger to
consume me with pride ..Id rather deal with forced consequences then
deal things head on because I still have no self control at 34
I have very little tolerance for negative people in my life i
guess For that reason ..yet I made a poor choice that resulted in
nothing but negative attention nd I choose to flee once confrontation
occurred nd when I felt my character is being challenged nd I am
provoked or antagonized pride takes over …I still have so much to
learn …..I still have so much to
learn …..please pray for me
Spoken word you can call this I rather Rachel with a little twist ,
see the way I do things is never the same I’m a lot different I do nothing in vain .
All I want is to change the game and remind the world of a humans pain .
Things that taunted you in life don’t just disappear over night this something you have to fight .
Lions tiger and bears oh my I’m not scared
it’s the snake the serpent the feen that scares me and makes me cringe at the thought this journey .
Remembering that empty feeling when life had no meaning
fighting to be heard understood and remembered
no matter what life thrown at me I couldn’t surrender . I had to fight to bring back the life that’s was missing in my life
and heart along with being prepared to get my heart torn apart .
It’s process I was able feel because if I give any less of myself it wasn’t real .
I’ve been scared , battered , bruised ,used , mistreated but I do my best to never feel defeated .
I believe we all hide our pain in different ways whether we drink too much to forget, smoke to focus , take a pill to stay still , smell that white to feel alive , shoot that dope to Cope , over eat to sleep , overwork to feel accomplished , exercise too much to not feel the shame ,sleep around to be remembered , shop till we drop and pretend we have no pain or maybe just pray our life away . no matter what it is you do
do your best and god will see you through !!!!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
All Queens rise ….why do we sometimes
hide behind eyes that see clear
with a heart full of hope
praying for someone to get who we are and what we stand for .
Queens its ok to put your foot down and demand respect
its ok to stop bouncing to music that insults your
character it’s ok hold our ground and never submit to something that does not feed your spirit . Do we even know we are queens or are we to busy trying to be a “bad bitches ” living up to the expectation of what so called men are looking for . So we water our heart down and follow along with all that we are not .
Why are you we so scared to lose someone who doesn’t value or understand what our heart beats for .
Let us Queens understand even in chess we move how we choose and assist the king in his victory they need us … Know your position … We can change the game … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
There’s a difference between being a thug and a man …
a thug can’t see and a Man has clarity
and knows what steps to take next
a thug is a mess you know dude that walks with a frown and acts like clown when your kids around
the dude that has no problem fighting in the streets
while the neighbor cries for peace . A dude that takes none of your pain away
or will beat you and think it’s ok … a dude that will listen to nothing you say
a dude that pants hang
so low and dude that goes with the flow you know a thug ain’t no leader he’s a liar , Cheater , skeemer
he’ll say anything to keep ya . He won’t lie about his past and his demeanor can’t deceive ya ,
it’s your choice what you see is what you get
but don’t get mad down the line
when he beats your ass and laughs while you cry .
Set your standards higher than what you think you deserve , dig a little deeper further then what the streets can teach you …. Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
Oh king where are you ?
Did your mother forget to place the crown on your head
or did your father run away with it .
I’m sorry you hurt so bad please come back to me !
I hate to see lost faith .
The pain in your eyes is evident and the hurt that you feel is obvious .
How do you know you’re a king if you were never taught to reign ,
you are lost and living in despair crying out for guidance
and not understanding life as it happens .
Men please stand up and set standards for these young men
for they have no protegé but music ,
television and the lack of respect they get treated with daily
by woman who have been hurt so they now choose to emasculate our boys and young men instead of building them up . “Rise all kings for our generation of princes are lost !!! Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©
Oh king ? You say you want a Queen
and someone to build you up
but the minute things don’t go your way you’re willing to give up
and not communicate or explain how you feel .
How do expect a queen to move when your acting like pawn checkmate your replace
that’s the shit you’ll have face so know your place if you don’t hold your crown
i told you already told you step up or step down .
Now I call your bluff and your mad as fck what’s the problem you thought I wouldn’t give up .
I keep telling you a queen can change the game and now your left with life long pain .
Once you realize this wasn’t a disguise nor did I tell a bunch lies I kept real and you continued to push me away and your mad because I don’t feel the pain of what I lost cause I have nothing to chase … Original By Rachel Shundari Ullah ©